As a five-year-old, I tagged along with my brother to soccer practice.

Being the only girl and youngest kid there, I always found myself on the undesirable left-side of the field.  Thirteen years later, I had a skilled left foot and a full ride to play NCAA Division I soccer at Wake Forest University.  

I played with the boys at recess in grade school, frustrating my mom with grass stains and torn pants. I learned that “throwing like a girl” was a put-down; I let go of all things feminine.

Learning about Jackie Robinson in third grade altered everything I had previously believed about the infallibility of adults. The same year, a classmate and her family suffered a hate crime and left the country; I was growing up.

As a twelve-year-old, I turned down a five-star trip to Hawaii so I could play in a third-tier soccer tournament in Kingsport, TN. #priorities

In my 20’s, I traveled to and through forty states while playing soccer and earning my bachelor’s degree.  I played semi-professional soccer in Sweden, took planes, trains, and automobiles to twenty countries, and earned my master’s degree.

With trembling excitement and an honest dose of anxiety, I stood in the shadow of my parent’s divorce and said, “I do” to my college sweetheart.

I started to rely on running as an outlet for physical fitness and mental peace of mind, which evolved into an opportunity to compete in 5K’s, 10K’s, and marathons.  The same drive to excel that charged me up on the soccer field and road race propelled me as an employee; I sprinted up the ladder.

Triathlon training, however, gave way mercifully and permanently to pregnancy and motherhood.

The fulfillment I experienced from my achievements in my 20’s began to fail me in my 30’s.

The same old hobbies and outlets could not rouse me off the couch.  As a wife and mother of two, I needed to learn which pursuits would bring me satisfaction with my extremely limited time.

Coaches and therapists, books and podcasts, hours of conversations with loved ones and miles and miles of roads walked in silence helped reveal my “new” true self.

Today, I have become more myself, more (or less) of who I was yesterday. Tomorrow, if the good Lord’s willing and the creek don’t rise, I will be someone different.

I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt. I am a granddaughter of a Kentucky coal miner and one-half of a successful interracial marriage.  I am a Christian.  

I strive to be authentic and to embrace paradox. I am raising my son to be a feminist and my daughter to be an activist. I believe we desperately need both.

For 40 years, I played small and allowed my voice to be a whisper in the wind.  Now, I am expanding and growing; now, my voice is deepening and cracking.

This feels scary – it must be right.

~ Anne